So you shared a few weeks/months/years together, and it's over. Maybe the relationship fizzled and died, or maybe something more traumatic happened.
Either way, you find yourself missing that person in your life, and you wonder if it's possible to still be friends.
And lo, I say unto you, it is.
I am friends with both of my significant exes.
Now, when I say "friends" I don't mean that we, like, go shopping together all the time or brush each other's hair. But I do mean that we've been able to keep things at least civil, if not friendly and genuinely interested in the other person's happiness.
It's not to say that getting to that point was easy. In fact, after the end of my marriage and subsequent divorce, it took almost a year for my ex and I to string together two positive words together in regards for each other.
(My other significant relationship that ended about this time last year was a little easier, since we had always been friendly and gotten along well. I will say there's definitely been a process there, though, too, as we've learned to be friendly while letting the old pieces of our relationship go.)
Anyway, here's how I was able to stay friends with my exes (and how you can, too)...
Step One: Resolve to be kind
I'm a believer that as long as you weren't in a situation where either one of you did egregious harm to each other, that relationship should be cherished for what it was, and for what it meant for you during that time of your life.
Sure, I was a naive kid who went into a marriage I probably shouldn't have gone in to, but my time with my ex-husband still had some beautiful learning moments, as well as really fun times being a team together (which has always been one of my favorite parts of relationships...the old "united front.")
But when things end, it's easy to quickly get bitter and angry. And while I think those are often normal reactions to hurt, it'll be easier to preserve the friendship if you resolve to push through that pain to be kind.
It won't be an easy move. There will be times you want to lash out, speak your mind, and say things you think will get you "closure." There will be times your ex will say or do things that are insensitive and hurtful, or when you'll find that friends chose sides or when, well, everything just sucks.
Those are the moments you will want to remind yourself of your end goal of friendship. Also, it will be a lot easier to be friends in the long run if there is less hurt/damage to overcome.
(ALSO also, I would remind myself that I didn't want to be one of those bitter, middle-aged people who let the hurt from their exes poison the rest of their lives. And let's not fool ourselves...we alllll know someone like that.)
Resolving to be kind helps with:
Step Two: Set boundaries and give yourself time (coming Thursday!)
How about you? Are any of you friends with your exes?