Yo! My book is here (!), and in celebration, here is another quick excerpt for you all. And by quick, I mean that I've titled this post "10 Breakup Commandments" and I'm giving you 5.
THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A "TEASER," FOLKS. Enjoy!!
Got questions on how to conduct yourself after a breakup? Just follow these ten simple commandments.
1. Thou shalt not contact thine ex for at least 30 days for any reason, and especially not to say, “Hi, I miss you.”
After a breakup, you're an idiot.
Sorry, it has to be said.
I'm not pointing fingers. I was a COMPLETE and TOTAL LUNATIC after my last breakup. Things that made no sense at all were reframed into, "THIS IS THE MOST BRILLIANT EMAIL ABOUT MY FEELINGS I'VE EVER WRITTEN. SEND."
I cried in public over songs that I'd normally scoff over.
I watched terrible movies and derived hope and meaning from 90 minutes of treacly bullshit.
And not that my lunacy is everyone's lunacy, but I'm telling you...your brain is broken right now. Detoxing. Wreaking havoc on your body.
Give yourself space away from your ex to re-set to normal (whatever your old normal was, and whatever your new normal will be).
Make it at least 30 days, re-evaluate, then add more time if you need it. Remember, your brain is doing some crazy things to your body, so you are somewhat unable to think clearly through this emotional trauma.
Take time to leave things as clean and quiet as possible before you let all your crazy break things even further.
I promise you, friend, 30 days is but a trifle. I know your brain is thinking right now, "But what if there's a window???" If there is a window (and sorry, there isn't), but if there IS and it means you two will be together FOREVER, 30 days is NOTHING for the two of you to get your shit together. In fact, 60 days is nothing...six months is nothing.
The BEST thing you can do for either of you--if there is, indeed, hope for getting back together--is to take this forcefully mandated time to look back, fix what you need to fix, and become a better person. That is something that neither of you will ever regret in the long run.
Oh, and to answer the questions that are plaguing your ever-loving soul:
No, he hasn't forgotten you completely.
Yes, she heard everything you had to say.
No, you don't need to say goodbye one last time.
Yes, you made yourself very clear the last time you spoke.
No, you don't need to get your stuff back right now.
Yes, sending that email is a bad idea.
2. Thou shalt not permit yourself to stay in a shitty situation with your ex simply because it is convenient.
One of my exes and I shared a condo for a few months after our breakup.
No. No, no, no. Never again.
The space we so badly needed after our split was nonexistent (see Commandment One), because, you know, we regularly passed each other on the way to the bathroom.
And sure, it was convenient to continually shack up as we looked for other places, but it wasn't healthy.
(Plus, we broke Commandments Three and Four because we continued in our idiocy.)
So I had to ask him to move out...which meant an inconvenient move for him back to his parents' basement...and it meant I was inconvenienced by now having to live by myself in a sort of scary neighborhood...but man, did it ever feel good to breathe.
Therefore, friends: Do not do shared custody of your pets.
Do not hang out in the same groups together if it’s too painful (and kick any of your friends who think you should suck it up and be more mature and just do it for the sake of the group. Noooope.)
Do not continue anything that feels uncomfortable to you just because it's close, or easy, or "the way you've always done it." At least, for a minute.
Find a new bar, buy yourself a bike if you share a car, crash on someone's couch (done it), ask for space, define your boundaries, and do whatchoo gotta do to carve out what you need, no matter how inconvenient things are in the meantime.
I mean, yay for shared rent and stuff...but that’s what Craigslist is for. Find a new roommate. STAT. Or get a cheaper apartment. Or sell some stuff. Or work out a schedule if you must. But you must start to re-calibrate, and you can’t do that very well if you’re still sharing groceries.
NOW, if you’re sharing custody of human beings, you’re going to have to get over yourself a bit and figure stuff out. HOWEVER, you can still take massive strides to reclaim a little bit o’ you in that situation. People do it all the time, promise.
3. Thou shalt not sleep with thine ex.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
This move is terrible for both of you, but especially for the person who is still hoping it’s all going to miraculously work out. I don’t care how horny you are, don’t do it. Someone will be sad at the end of it all, I guarantee it.
4. NO REALLY, THOU SHALT NOT SLEEP WITH THINE EX.
Do you really think it’ll bring him back to you? Do you really think she forgot how good your cock was and will miraculously want to try to be bf/gf after she gets it one more time? Do you really think he will be able to keep his feelings out of it? Do you really think she’ll be able to stay rational when she JUST told you how much she wanted you back?
Friend, if he/she wants to be with you, they will want to be with you without needing to sleep with you to work it out. Give yourself a little credit, FFS.
And if you’re the one who knows it’s over and you did the dumping? Shame on you. Hands off, bucko (or buckette). I don’t care if she DID give you the best orgasms of your life...you’ve been giving yourself some pretty good ones since you were 13. I bet you’ll find that rhythm again real quick, ya jackass.
(I'm not bitter.)
5. Thou shalt not be less than anything but honest with your ex, no matter if you think it’ll make you look bad, or it will be hurtful to your ex.
I’ve said this before: mean is bad, nice is worse, dishonesty is acid on the soul.
When you are breaking up with someone, say what you need to say, no more, no less.
Don’t coat it in half-promises, or half-truths, or silly attempts to soften the blow. All the person being dumped will hear are the bits and pieces that make it seem like, “Maybe, just maybe, if this one thing changes, he’ll come back!”
No. That’s not how it works.
If you don’t have the feelings you need to have, say that.
If you are seeing someone else, say that.
If you think the person is completely toxic and self-destructive and you refuse to be tangled in their web of lies, say that.
The most honest thing anyone has ever said to me was, “I do not want a relationship...with you.”
He didn’t deliver it as, “I don’t want a relationship...right now,” because all I would have heard was “right now” and then I would have followed him to the ends of the earth (I’m a glutton for punishment like that). Instead, he nipped it right in the bud.
Even though I was a mere 18 years old and it felt like jumping into the Arctic naked to hear him say those words to me, it was oddly comforting. I knew exactly where I stood with him, and I could make a clean break and go.
Did it suck? Yes. Did it probably take some guts for him to say it, knowing it would hurt me? Sure. Did we both move on quickly without messy talks and pleading and hope? Sure did.
Be brave, have a little courage, and say exactly what you mean. No more. No less.
6. Thou shalt fucking go through the...
Read the rest of the Commandments in my book, How to Be Dumped: the Definitive Breakup Guide, on Amazon now! Don't have a Kindle? Download the FREE Kindle App for iPhone, Android, Mac, PC and other devices!